You’re an Ocean

You’re an Ocean

How can someone stand so damn close
And feel like they’re a world away?
I can see your sad story eyes
So how do you have no words to say?

All I want is to fall in deeper than I’ve ever been
Why won’t you let me?
I can handle your heart, so help me

There are two men in my life right now that are trying to be rocks for me as I struggle these past few months. One is my lover, my best friend and the most caring person I know. The other is a blast from the past. I met him around the same time as S and at the time I felt like I had to chose, so I let him go. Both men are fighting their own internal battles and have good days as well as bad. I think this song by Lady A is perfect for them, in their own ways.

When it comes to pet I think the roles are a bit reversed, I close off and he is the one asking to be let in. He is so wonderful at keeping tabs and asking what I want/need that I forget that he has moments of weakness. He fights with himself when it comes to his past, running from it instead of facing what happened to him so many years ago. It’s something we have been discussing lately and I’m trying to be supportive, just as he has been so many times with me.

Here you are, next to me
So much beauty at my feet
All I wanna do is swim, but the waves keep crashin’ in
No, I’m not afraid to drown
Take me out, take me down
I’m so tired of the shore
Let me in, baby
You’re an ocean, beautiful, and blue
I wanna swim in you

The other man is exactly like the ocean. He comes in and out of my life in waves. He has faced his demons and tries to live peacefully with them. He has PTSD from his time in the military and when he is in his dark place it is so hard to reach him. We are speaking again and this time it feels different. He isn’t keeping me on the shore as much and I get to see more pieces of him. I’m making an effort to keep in contact with him, even on the days he doesn’t answer me back. I just want him to know he isn’t alone anymore.

Like a lighthouse I’ve been shinin’ bright
Through the dark for the both of us
And “I’ve done it outta love” is not enough
But God, how I wish it was

And I don’t wanna find out
How much lonely I can take before you lose me
Baby, look at me and swear you won’t lose me

I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with and the fact that both of these men find me worth having just blows my mind. I’m doing my best at making sure my needs are met and thinking positively. It’s not easy giving yourself the care you need when you want to be there for everyone else.

I’m so tired of the shore
Let me in, baby
You’re an ocean, beautiful, and blue
I wanna swim in you

Ocean- Lady A

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