“..time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us it seems to play tricks. Slowing down. Hovering. Until it freezes. Leaving us stuck in a moment, unable to move in one direction or the other. Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time.” -Grey’s Anatomy
I haven’t written much the past few weeks/months and it clearly shows. I needed time to sort through what is making me unhappy, anxious, (insert adjective) and how I was going to fix it.
It took me awhile to even want to write anything other than about feeling crappy, so I wrote to get me through and that’s all I could muster. I took the time to mull things over and figure out what I really wanted out of my blogging. I didn’t want to write for my own meme much less contribute to any others and that was my red flag. Musically Ranting is my new baby and I was ready to throw in the towel.
What does that say about the type of person I am? It says there is a problem, a disconnect. This is my self care, at least one part of it, and I didn’t want to do it anymore. Being able to let the meme run for a month concurrent with the September Song Project really helped. I was able to step back and not feel so guilty about not writing. Along with not writing, I haven’t been reading my favorite bloggers either.
I realize that I can’t expect anyone to read my blog if I don’t read any others. I just didn’t have the mental stamina to do it. The smallest things would bring me to tears so reading something without knowing the outcome was just too risky. I defaulted to watching old movies that I have seen hundreds of times, I played a video game that didn’t ask much from me. I asked pet to read me a story that I have read to the point of memorization. I zoned out, I let hours pass without accomplishing anything. I got lost.
When we break we find ways to fix ourselves, so we change, we adapt.. We create new versions of ourselves, we just need to be sure that this version is an improvement over the last.
I can’t say that this new version of me is ready to tackle the world just yet. I still have those days of being numb, not thinking, not feeling, just existing. I have been here before and came out of it. I will do it again. I’m not the type of person to give up, I just need time. One thing I can say for sure, I made the decision to stop apologizing and to forgive myself for letting things slide when it comes to writing. The more I force myself to do it the more I sit frozen, staring at a blank screen. Or worse, deleting the things I have written because they sounded like a completely different person. I forgive myself for breaking down and showing everyone my flaws. I forgive myself for snapping at my friends and family when all they want to do is help. I forgive myself for feeling selfish when I need time alone. I forgive myself.
What does all of this ranting mean for the blog? I’m not 100% sure just yet. I know I am not ready to let it all go. I still love to write and I will write when it feels good again. It might be tomorrow, or a week from now, but I will get there with time.