Edit: I missed the link-up for this topic but I still wanted to finish it as it’s been on my mind a lot lately.
More often than not I compare the differences of my submission to pet’s submission. I do not believe one is better than the other in any way and I have used my experience to try things with pet. What I’ve discovered is that what works for me isn’t remotely close to what works for him.
In my past relationships with my Doms I was the bratty type (still am). My little side showed most of the time and I craved rules and discipline. I didn’t always follow the rules, usually because I wanted attention or just wanted to push buttons. I could be quite a handful and as my favorite Dom used to say, “It’s why I have two hands my dear, one to reign you back in and the other to spank your rear-end”. Spankings were not my usual punishment as he knew I enjoyed them and also needed them for maintenance. Orgasm denial was my worst enemy. I loved to be played with and play time usually ended in orgasm, unless I broke a rule deliberately. No matter the amount of pleading or pouting would change his mind. In fact, the more I pouted the longer my denial would be.
When it comes to the relationship between me and pet it seems the opposite works. He isn’t the masochist that I am, so he may say that he wants to be spanked, but he doesn’t get the pleasure from it that I do. Pet and I do use orgasm denial as a means of daily submission. Denial isn’t a punishment for him and being allowed to have an orgasm is actually a special reward.
The one thing I have to keep in mind with Pet is his self deprecation. He is always hard on himself as his upbringing has taught him to be; so to be too harsh with a punishment just sends him into a spiral. He does make mistakes just as we all do when we are learning something new. Knowing how my emotions work I have to wait until I can think logically and without the negative emotion to discuss a punishment with him. At first he didn’t understand why I waited, coming from a history of abuse, he was used to the anger and the immediate punishment. I explained to him that our relationship is not like any others. I refuse to punish when I am angry as it is abuse in my eyes. We have an understanding that we will wait to fully discuss what happened and determine if punishment is fitting or not when we can both discuss it calmly. I do remind him that even though I’m upset/angry/sad that I love him, I think this helps him process the situation without going overboard.
I am not without fault as it wasn’t too long ago that I made the mistake of not wanting to speak to him over something I was angry about. I wrote about it and it was explained to me that it was a form of silent treatment. We discussed what had happened at that time and came to the agreement that I do need my space to decompress and he will wait, still knowing that I am still here for him if he needs anything.
It isn’t just the submissive in the relationship that requires discipline. Sometimes Dom/mes need a proverbial swat on the butt to correct their mistakes too. Our relationship may not follow any strict guidelines but it works for us.