This is a snippet of an online publication by May More, documenting the lives of 7 people in 7 days during the Covid-19 crisis.
Missy began the seven days with her post, which can be found by clicking here.
I don’t normally keep a diary or journal, but with recent events being what they are, I found documenting how Covid-19 has affected me and my family helpful. Below is one of my entries.
April 2nd, 2020
I had a panic attack last night just as I was falling asleep. I haven’t had an attack in a very long time, so it caught me off guard. I was laying in bed listening to pet read ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ and I was right on the edge of sleep. He thought I was asleep at the time, because he pauses to ask if I’m still awake, and if I don’t answer he hangs up. I don’t recall him asking but I heard the click of the phone and it startled me. I turned onto my stomach to try to get comfortable again and within minutes I felt like someone sat on my upper back. I couldn’t get any breaths in and the tunnel vision started closing in (weird how even in the dark you can still have tunnel vision). After what felt like an eternity, I was able to turn onto my left side and force some deep breaths. My heart rate slowed and the tingling in my arms disappeared. I’m not sure how long it took but I did eventually fall asleep.
I woke up in a fog and managed to get dressed to take the dog out. I logged into work on time, but I didn’t get a shower or my coffee beforehand and it really messed up my schedule for the day. Every little thing that went wrong either made me cry or made me angry. Three weeks of doing all the daily chores/errands, working, and helping B with schoolwork is really taking its toll on me. I vented to my coworker, let all of it out and had a good cry. B woke up right about the time I finished crying. He could tell I was upset and gave me a long hug and said, “It’s okay mommy, I think you are doing great.” I hate crying to begin with and B seeing me cry makes me feel even worse. We do tell him to not be afraid to show us his feelings so it should be the same for me, but I feel like I need to show him I’m strong for him during this uncertain time.
I managed to pull it together just in time for an unplanned meeting with work. Turns out our corporate office was suffering due to the number of people out due to illness. Even with Covid-19 spreading like wild-fire people seem to forget that it is still flu season. Many companies are suffering so it’s not surprising that ours is as well. The meeting was to inform us that my department would be assisting corporate with their job duties. Normally I would panic as I have a heavy workload but with so many procedures getting cancelled at all our facilities, we were a bit slow. I wasn’t thrilled with the time frame in which they wanted us to start as I will be on vacation, but my coworkers were wonderful at calming my nerves and can handle my workload while I’m away. I ended my workday on a much brighter note thanks to them.
Although this is just one entry, it is part of a bigger diary project, ‘Seven Days in April‘ which will be revealed shortly, so keep your eyes open around the blogging community and I am sure that you will see more.
I’ve decided to also link this post into Wicked Wednesday as the topic for this week is overthinking and I’m a chronic overthinker. My diary entry is a glimpse of what my anxious brain goes through, especially when massive changes happen.
Overthinking has a strong tie to anxiety and it becomes a vicious loop. For me, it stemmed from childhood. My parents couldn’t afford therapy and didn’t think I needed a therapist. In their eyes I was a well- balanced child who worried a lot, over everything. They see now how therapy would have been beneficial for me, and they understand why B has a therapist.
Guess what happens when you get two overthinkers in the same house? Everything and nothing at the same time! B and I can go rounds as to why doing something is important, and how it’s done can take forever. That’s where S (my voice of reason aka logical one) comes in and pulls us out of the ‘what- ifs’.
You can see why homeschooling has been a challenge for B and me. I went as far as creating a “schedule” on his small whiteboard so he would feel better about how the day would go. The little turkey then questions why something has xx amount of time but something else has xx more time. Round 2… fight! (My video game followers know what I mean..haha)
Let’s just say it is never a dull moment in our house. Emotions run a little high right now and we miss S terribly, but we will prevail.