Just Breathe

Just Breathe

..And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd

‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

This past week was the hardest I’ve had in awhile. Stress from a bunch of little changes all at once pushed me over the edge.

The work stress, school starting, and relationship changes have taken their toll on my mental well-being. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for weeks and I’ve had a few meltdowns. I’ve tried talking them out, but the more I talk the more I want to withdraw.

‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable

And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button girl,

So cradle your head in you hands

And breathe, just breathe,

Whoa breathe, just breathe

Truthfully, I’ve been withdrawing for some time. It started with my online presence. It fed into my blog, writing less, not being interested in anything. It moved onto my friends, not texting or messaging them back. It’s now affecting my family. I don’t want to be around anyone and at times (I hate saying this..) I don’t want to be around my son.

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout

But you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out

These mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again

If you only try turning around

I am in the middle of the tunnel and I’m constantly turning around. There are lights, there is still hope, but I don’t know how to force myself forward anymore. I’m so exhausted from trying to be what each person needs.

My son is and will always be my top priority. I’m doing my best to help him through this initial phase in school. I know he will catch on and will succeed, but we have to get through the trials and tribulations first.

My job has raised their expectations and combined with constant computer issues has me so stressed out every single day. By the end of the workday my brain is zapped. I’m beginning to feel that taking this position was a mistake.

Two AM and I’m still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, its no longer

Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd

‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

Pet has a new relationship and I was really thrilled for him. Yes, I said was.. I’m not thrilled anymore. I knew in time I would have to share him. Initially, I was open to it and enjoyed the banter back and forth between them. Now it just feels like I’m a spectator. I don’t relate to their interests and I’m constantly upset or hurt by something being misunderstood. So I backed away from it all tonight. I’m not happy so it is getting harder to be happy for him.

I’ve even considered ending the relationship between me and pet. I’ve considered ending the relationship between me and S as well. I know this is all part of emotional withdrawal, so I’ve not taken any steps to ending either of them yet.

I’m trying to take a step back, place myself outside of the inner turmoil, and just breathe. I don’t have any answers. I don’t expect working through all of this to be easy either. For now..

..you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,

And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

And breathe, just breathe

Whoa breathe, just breathe,

Breathe (2AM)- Anna Nalick

7 thoughts on “Just Breathe

  1. I don’t think you’re alone in how you’re feeling right now; September is always a harbinger of change, and in these weird times it’s even more difficult to navigate change than usual.

    (Also, in case you need to hear it from someone outside your situation: it’s totally normal to not want to be around your kid sometimes. Parenting is exhausting. It’s normal to feel the need for a break.)

    Thanks for playing along with me again this September. 🙂 I will be joining in / catching up on Musically Ranting later this week.

    1. Thank you Feve. This has been one heck of a year and I don’t think we are all out of the woods yet.

      I do have a pretty great kid and we will get through this too. I’m happy to be joining in again this year and I hope to write more. 😊

  2. Oh Jae, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I love this song, it’s one of my favourites.

    I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts as you negotiate these things.

    Sweetgirl x 💕

  3. I am so sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you, Jae. To be honest, I am happy I don’t have kids in school anymore, and have to deal with that extra stress, on top of the extra work I have taken on, the constantly being tired, etc. But I am in no way in as bad a shape as you are. Please take care of you, and seek help if you can’t find back that light anymore.
    Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts.
    ~ Marie

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