I’m Falling Again

I’m Falling Again

I haven’t been writing regularly as stress and illness have taken over my life recently. I had the best intentions to write and even started a few posts, but a couple sentences in and it’s like my mind goes completely blank. So here is my attempt at getting back into the blogging game.

In this week’s #LifeMatters the topic up for discussion is strengths and weaknesses. The wheels begin turning as I sit here with my laptop feeling a bit low. Why do I let myself get this way? Well, as much as I wish I can turn off all of my feelings this one I just can’t turn off. So I’m beginning this topic with one of my weaknesses- questioning my self-worth.

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I’m someone I don’t want around?
I’m fallin’ again
I’m fallin’ again
I’m fallin’

I’m open about the life I live and that puts me in a vulnerable position. I can be hurt quite easily by the people closest to me. I want people to want me in their life just as much as I want to be in their life. That’s not how it works though, we all have separate lives and expectations and trying to match them up at just the right time is almost impossible. Days like today it is hard to see myself worthy of someone else’s time and attention. When I’m in this low place one little thing can set it off and I begin to spiral downwards.

What if I’m down?
What if I’m out?
What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?
I’m fallin’ again
I’m fallin’ again
I’m fallin’

This sounds like I’m letting other people’s opinions define who I am. I know that is not the case. I know I am a caring person, I give more than I will ever get back in my lifetime. I don’t want anything in return either, okay maybe that’s not completely true. The one thing I ask for in return is that the person I have helped do the same for someone else.

Being in tune with my friends and family’s needs leaves me more susceptible to negativity. It is in these vulnerable moments that my demons resurface and I doubt myself and my actions. What if {insert person} didn’t really want my opinion/help? What if deep down I am only doing this to fulfill my own selfish needs?

And I get the feelin’ that you’ll never need me again What am I now?
What am I now?
What if you’re someone I just want around?
I’m fallin’ again
I’m fallin’ again
I’m fallin’

Harry Styles- Falling

I was brought back up today by someone special. It didn’t take much- some understanding that we are very similar people, a few laughs, and some positive reinforcement. Today is only one day of many more to come, not all of those days will feel this low, but I will persevere.

I try to look past my weaknesses for the most part, I have my low days but I try not to stay down for too long. I have had a variety of experiences in my life that have made me into the strong, independent woman that I am. A few days ago, I found a quote that encompasses how I feel about myself on the good days.

I have been many women in my lifetime. I have been the protector and the provider, I have been the lover and the fighter, but the woman within I value the most, will always be the survivor.

S.L. Heaton

Life will continue to throw many obstacles my way, some may knock me on my ass. I’ll have some rough days/nights. I’ll meet new people who will sweep me off my feet and then take their love away as quickly as they gave it. My heart will break more times than I can count.

The one constant in all of those things…is me. I know who I am and what I am able to give. Those that don’t want to take the time to discover the person behind the screen are the ones losing out. I don’t apologize for who I am and I love the woman I am inside.


6 thoughts on “I’m Falling Again

  1. You are a fine woman indeed! And I agree if someone does not want to take the time to get to know you then it is their loss. I am glad to have spent some time chatting with you. And hope to do so in the future. Hold on to your strength Jae – you are more than you know.

    Love this…

    “The one thing I ask for in return is that the person I have helped do the same for someone else”

    that is exactly how I feel in life – a great way to live
    May xx.

    1. Sorry I missed your comment May, darn spam folder caught it. I really appreciate the chats and help you’ve given me. I hope to be a bit more consistent on here and look forward to more chats. ❤️

  2. Lovely post Jae – I am sorry you’re feeling down but it’s all so relatable so reading about it feels helpful. I adored your choice of song to weave in and that quote at the end – yes, that’s very true.

    Like you, I enjoy paying it forward. I’ve taken some time to discover the person behind the keyboard and I like what I find. xoxo

  3. That last line… all the YES to that. I am sorry you are not in a good place now, and that you are dealing with stress and illness. I hope things get better for you soon.
    ~ Marie

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