As a child I was always afraid to sleep with my leg or even a foot out of my blanket. It wasn’t a fear of the boogie man or anything under my bed. It was a fear of being seen. I snuggled under my blankets no matter how hot or cold it was. Little did I know that this fear would feed into my adult life.
I discovered BDSM in my early twenties. I was new to sexual experiences even in the vanilla world but this intrigued me, very much like those smut novels I read as a teenager.
Through many good experiences and one very bad (that’s a story for another time) I could fulfill all my needs, except for one. I was exposed. I liked being watched with a partner, in an exhibitionist way, but only because my partner was my blanket. I could hide under his protection so being physically seen didn’t bother me.
As I grew older the fear made it’s way out into the open. 4 years ago I had a full blown panic attack at work. My chest felt like an elephant sat on it. My left arm went completely numb and I couldn’t breath. I thought I was having a heart attack. ‘No way could I be having one now, I’m only 32.’ I kept thinking this over and over. I was completely oblivious to what physically happened to me. Luckily my coworker knew exactly what was happening. She lived with anxiety and panic attacks her whole life. She grabbed my blanket from chair wrapped me in it and hugged me hard. She sat with me for what felt like hours, in reality it was about 45 minutes.
I had these little episodes at home, but they went almost as quickly as they came. I just thought it was stress. I saw my doctor and explained what had happened. We went through question after question. The conclusion.. I wasn’t depressed but I was riddled with anxiety.
I never had a name for it before. I just thought it was who I was, it was always a part of me. The monster just kept feeding and feeding off my fear and insecurity until it wanted to be seen.
I started therapy and the first suggestion from my therapist was a weighted blanket. I thought he was a little nuts, but it was worth trying.
Turns out I had the perfect blanket. I had used it at home before but never consistently. This black and white gem all together weighs about 45 lbs. I sleep with it almost every night. It gives me the compression I need to sleep well, which improves my mental state and reduces my anxiety.
The best part about this blanket is that it feels weightless. I no longer feel like I have to hide under it anymore. The fear has subsided. I’m calmer most days. I can process things in a much clearer frame of mind. I am weightless.