Crossing the bridge from monogamy to polyamory has not been easy. From childhood (in the U.S.) it is driven into our heads that one person should be your best friend, your lover, a provider and should be able to satisfy all of your needs. What I have learned over the past several years is that it is a lie. It’s unfair to expect so much from one person. I’m not saying monogamy is a bad thing, I’ve lived most of my life monogamous.. until now. As with most topics there are extremists on both sides that could give example after example of how each side is wrong, but that’s not me. Sounds a little too much like politics.
This week’s food for thought is about freedom. I chose to discuss how a person in a monogamous relationship is just as free as the person in a polyamorous relationship. Both relationships rely on something that is imperative to freedom- the ability to chose.
It wasn’t that long ago that men were viewed as the bread winners and women stayed home and took care of the house and children, think of the television show ‘Leave it to Beaver’. Gender fluidity was not acknowledged and being gay was kept hidden away like a bad bridesmaid’s dress. Women didn’t discuss their dreams of being a businesswoman and being a CEO of a company was laughable. At that time monogamy went hand in hand with the patriarchy.
As the years have progressed the ideals of the patriarchy has lessened. Monogamy is still the normal but polyamory is on the rise. What I’ve seen change for the better in monogamous relationships is the ability of both people to make choices. Finances and parent roles are often shared equally as is the housekeeping. Decisions are made by both people unless other arrangements have been agreed upon. This is a type of freedom to me because it places responsibilities on both people in the relationship. If you think about it, even in a monogamous D/s relationship both people have a choice. The Dom/me chooses to be the caretaker and in return the submissive chooses to give their submission. They are both free to leave the relationship at any point in time if needs are not being met.
I’ve never been one to be stifled in a relationship. Men have tried and I’ve left them when I felt my freedoms were being impeded. I was married once before and I discovered rather quickly that marriage wasn’t for me. I was expected to keep him happy while I lost myself. Luckily, no children were involved and I was able to leave and re-evaluate my choices.
I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with S for many years now and he still sees it that way. He has no desire to be with any others but he knows that not all of my needs are met. He doesn’t fulfill my kinky side. He has met pet and he knows that my relationship with pet is very different. My kinky needs are met with pet and I’m helping him explore who he is. We all have the freedom in our relationships to speak up and say what we want and/or need.
Being able to define what freedom is depends on the person and their lifestyle. One is not any better than the other and both styles of living whether monogamous or polyamorous have their ups and downs. As long as all parties are happy and satisfied then freedom within will happen naturally.
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*featured image courtesy of Jewishjournal.com