(Image courtesy of google)
My greatest fear is drowning. It has been since I was 13 and the boy I had a crush on held me under the water in the community pool. I won’t ever wade past my hips in the ocean and I’ll never go on a cruise. The fear of being pulled under the water is just too great.
No one ever told me that you could have this same feeling sitting at your desk at work constantly bombarded with “I need..” “Can you..” “Real quick…” Then you go home to your family and it’s “I need…” “Mom.. can you” and whatever else gets thrown in the mix. So in order to get any time for self care I get up 4:30 or 5am to go the gym.. if my body lets me. Living in a state of constant exhaustion, the doctor says well if you eat better, exercise more, take these pills that will make you feel numb.
The brain is a sneaky thing. It files away all the positive thoughts, negative thoughts, the meaningless dribble you take in day in and day out. Guess when it decides to purge.. yup the middle of that important meeting or your kid’s game. Then comes the guilt. I shouldn’t allow myself to feel this way. If I say anything I’m complaining. If I go sit in a dark quiet room for a little while I’m being antisocial.
So I tell myself nobody will notice; nobody will care. Nobody cares that I got out of bed when all I want to do is sleep all day. Nobody will care that I went to the gym, took the kid to school, then went to work today. Nobody will care that I locked myself in the bathroom in order to cry so as not to feel like I’m being selfish.
When you hit rock bottom, you drown. The question is do you try to fight against it all to reach the surface and breath or do you just let it suffocate you and wish that it will all end quickly?
Note: I write this on my blog because I need to get it out. This is my therapy. Talking to family makes me feel even worse. I’m not suicidal and I know this feeling will fade in time. I have many great things in my life and they will help me breathe again.