My life has always consisted of labels. There is a label for every lifestyle, gender, sexual identity, and relationship. What do I want to be when I grow up? Am I straight, gay, or bi? How do I define my relationship- are we boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, friends with benefits? What is this dynamic in D/s- Dom/sub, Femdom, play partner?
I have discovered as I get older my labels are vastly changing. Ask me 10 years ago if I was straight and I would have said yes without hesitation. My family and friends just assume I’m hetero and I’ve never corrected them. After so many years of being with only men, I almost believed I was too. But, there has always been the part of me that wanted to be with a woman in the relationship aspect. Since puberty I recall looking at other girls/women and being drawn to them because of their softness. Like many, I have experienced the cliche of exploring in college. I kissed my fair share of women and even made-out with some, but I never had a real connection with any of them to form a relationship.
I have been exploring my sexuality and writing about it on my blog under a diary header. It is primarily about my libido and finding my submission again. By doing so, I have been lucky enough to meet new people. People who are open to many possibilities and are not so hung up on the labels of who we are or what we are doing. It’s eye-opening for me, as I am exploring some deeply repressed feelings, I’m finding that I am not as black and white as I thought I was when it comes to my sexual orientation. So what is my sexual orientation? At this moment, I don’t have an answer- I’m attracted to the person, but I’ve always leaned towards men for relationships. I don’t feel that bisexual or pansexual encompasses it well enough for me. I don’t call myself queer as it is a word I have a hard time releasing the negativity from due to living in the US. Yes, times have changed, but the way people use a word hasn’t evolved as quickly as we would like it to.
I can say it has been many years since I’ve last enjoyed a woman’s tender touch. The softness of her lips, the way her curves flow, the smell of her hair are the top things that come to mind when I allow myself to daydream. I’ve kept this part of me hidden from the outside world as I didn’t want to be judged by my family or friends. I’m not ashamed or phobic of my sexuality, I just didn’t have anyone in my life that gave me reason to explore it again. However, life has an interesting way of changing our views/choices and now I’m exploring something that could have potential.
It takes someone very special to crack open that shell. My attraction to men is very different than my attraction to women. With men I’m confident, I flirt, and I know exactly what I want. When it comes to women I am often nervous, a bit shy, and not as confident as I want to be. My inexperience with women sexually also greatly affects my confidence levels. My confidence is something I’m always working on. I think the attraction from others is highly influenced by my confidence levels.
I’m reminded of something I read once, “Sex is just sex- it’s a mechanical thing that elicits some wonderful endorphins. It’s science.” I don’t want just sex with people anymore. In my early twenties I did, I loved having sex and how different it was with each person. I’m a bit older and now I want the passion, the tenderness, the romance, I need the emotional connection before sex.
Whatever labels I chose to use shouldn’t affect the person I am deep down. The labels do affect how others view me, but I’ve learned that I can’t control that. As long as I’m confident with who I am and what I can give to others the label shouldn’t matter.