Chasing Cars

Chasing Cars

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

It was a very long and hard weekend. Hours upon hours of talking and tears (mostly me) and I think some headway was made. I have finally come to grips that I need help, outside professional help. I dug out my old prescription of anxiety medication (the one that makes me a zombie) and began taking it again. I did this over the weekend so I could sleep and not worry about trying to get up early. Two days of medication and constant communication has calmed me. The monster is still under my bed though, so it’s time to push him out.

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Pet has been so understanding and caring with me. He could have gotten defensive and even upset with me for asking him to slow down with his new relationship. That’s not the type of person he is though and I am so lucky to have him on my side. He feels things as deeply as I do and he could feel the hurt pouring out in my tears. He said it over and over, “it’s okay, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere”.

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

That’s what it takes to be with someone like me, the repetition, the reassurance, and a lot of understanding. I’m not an easy person to love. It seems that way at first glance, but I’ve had many years of practice at hiding my demons. I know I’m stubborn, demanding and at times callous, but those traits don’t define all of me. I do have a soft side and that softness is worth facing the flaws. Pet is well-versed in my tactics and just as I call him out on his, he does the same for me.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Time has not been kind to any of us lately. It has now been 7 months since I last laid eyes on pet and this breakdown has made it painfully apparent. I miss seeing, touching, and holding my lover, my best friend. I miss hearing his laugh in person. I miss how his warmth envelops me and makes me feel whole again. I miss him so much that it breaks my heart.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars– Snow Patrol

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3 thoughts on “Chasing Cars

  1. Distance — enforced physical, geographical distance — can be an ever-widening wedge, especially with The State Of The World right now.

    But just as distance creates a gap, it’s possible that the gap can also be closed.

    I’m sorry things feel so hard right now. I hope the result of this weekend’s struggles will bring you closer to where you need to be.

    xo

  2. Loving you is not difficult. Loving you is a privilege. Accepting your quirks is a matter of simple submission. All it takes is to put away my ego and remember who I am, and why I am here.

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