Broken and Barely Breathing

Broken and Barely Breathing

The broken clock is a comfort
It let’s me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out

I’m struggling. I have been for weeks but I finally said it out loud to S yesterday. I was afraid to admit it out loud because then it would be true. I felt that he would hold it against me. New job, new way of schooling and still separated, I am not invincible and all of these things have contributed to my downfall.

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
Barely holding on to you

It’s horrible to think that your partner would hold depression against you. I’m the mother of his child and I am not perfect. I lose my temper, I cry a lot more than I ever have in the past, I’m insecure of who I am right now. I’m broken and I don’t know how to put myself back together again. So I said it, out loud while he hugged me- “I’m struggling and I can’t fix it alone.” I took the first step towards trusting him again. It’s only a step but it’s more than I’ve allowed myself in years.

Hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be OK
Broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven’t forgotten my way home

He told me that it’s been a hard year for us, our relationship has suffered and we both are trying to keep it together. So he is taking a step as well, he is going to come by earlier to help with the schoolwork. He will stay longer on Saturdays and will put more effort into finding time for him and me. I want to believe him, but actions speak louder than words. So I’m giving him, and us another chance. I need to for our son’s sake and for my sake.

I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
Barely holding on to you

Broken– Lifehouse

I slept most of the weekend away. I never sleep past 9am and both days I did. It took every bit of strength to force myself out of bed. Several times I wanted to crawl back into it, but I didn’t. I tried to be productive, tried to keep my mind busy. I let myself cry when I needed to. (My poor eyes are a bit worse for wear now) I’m holding on because my son needs me. I need help and I asked for it without suffering any repercussions. So I’m holding on for me.

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7 thoughts on “Broken and Barely Breathing

  1. Saying things out loud always makes them more real. But sometimes we have to face the real-ness of broken things before we can go about fixing them.

    I hope the upward climb is a little easier from here on.

    xo

  2. Holding on for you is a good thing, Jae, and I am very sorry you are suffering so much. I hope you can find the strength with S helping you, and that you will feel stronger again. Take care xox
    ~ Marie

  3. Oh Jae this sounds so hard and I am very sorry to read that you are feeling so low. I am glad that you managed to speak with S and trust him with this. I really hope that he is able to support you more. I can’t imagine how hard it has been trying to juggle everything on your own. Sending you hugs. Missy xxx

  4. Jae – i am thinking of u – What a year so far – it is no wonder you feel as u do – sending u strength from one woman to another.
    In the lockdown I nearly cracked – so close i can not believe it…
    take care
    xx

  5. The lyrics are so apt. Great share.

    I’m really sorry to hear of your struggles,they seem to be coming at you from all angles. its so very tough right now. Glad you asked for help, hope you get what you need. I know you feel alone right now but you are loved and appreciated. I’m sure both S and pet will play a part in helping you hold things together – you are stronger than you know.

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