This is the tenth prompt in the Erotic Journal Challenge series, and this week Brigit asks…
First Love – Write a letter to your first love…or to your younger self at that time. What did you take away from that relationship? What do you remember? Are your memories happy, sad…bittersweet? How did you grow?
It’s me. You know who it is.
You are in a bad place. You’re furious with the world because you think you’ve lost her. You rode with her to the airport and walked her to the gate, and stared at your boarding pass that would seat you right beside her while she walked down the jetway leaving you behind to take out your frustration with a virtual rocket launcher because your heart is breaking. Sounds awful when it’s written down, doesn’t it? You’re self-destructing, because it’s all over. I need you to take your hand off the mouse and pay attention, because this is a defining moment for you.
It’s not as awful as you think, and it’s absolutely not over. You hurt because you fell in love, and the good news is that this will not be the last time you truly fall in love, and it will be the one and only time you let yourself feel this low. It’s all up from here, and that is why what happens next is so important.
You need to let this go, and you need to forgive her. Trust me, she feels worse than you do, because she does in fact love you. For reasons we still haven’t figured out she just can’t let herself feel it, that’s my best guess and the truth is we will likely never know. That’s why you need to let this go, because the why doesn’t matter. She’s doing what she feels is right in this moment in time, and you need to let it happen despite the pain you feel.
You need to let it go for yourself, because there will come a time when she needs you and you won’t be there, and when you find out about it all this rage is going to lash out from the shadows of your memory and flay you alive.
You need to let it go because there will also come a time when she does need you and you will be there, and you will remember all the love and attachment and bliss of her, and you cannot allow this anger to taint it. It will become the most precious thing to you.
You need to let it go because while she wasn’t your first, she is your best, and if you play your cards right she will be your last. She will remain your best because you will go back to her someday and she will take you in her arms and plead for your forgiveness, and you must have accomplished it. There will be many women in your life but none of them will compare to her, and when the time comes you need to be ready
It’s a long and winding road from where you are right now. You’re going to learn so many things and experience some really crazy shit between now and then. It will be a maelstrom in the middle of a dark storm, but it all comes back to her. All of it. She will accept you and give you shelter from it, and drag you into the light so you can see the truth. Give in, let her, and trust yourself.
It’s all cake from here on out, kiddo. A bitter sweet cake with ketamine cream and MDMA for frosting.
And one more thing: One crazy night a guy is going to reach around and fondle your cock. You won’t know it’s a guy until you turn around. Don’t panic. Let him do it. Let him stroke you. Feeling your erection between his fingers may be the thing that causes him to not use that night, and you’ll learn something about yourself that will save a lot of frustration.
You’re going to do fine, and J will be yours again. Be patient.
Beloved and I have a past. It’s no secret. When we met I’d already been with a few girls, but for her I was her first. She rightly likes to remind me of this, because it is an honor to carry that title. I really don’t like the fact she wasn’t my first, but as I have told her she is my best.
From our first relationship I took away a few good scars. Over the years these scars would prove to be marks of ownership, you see, because we gave each other our best and left little for the ones to come after. Submitting to her is an act of offering that piece of her she gave to me while she fills those empty spaces left under the scars.