Hurt me like you mean it

Trigger Warning- this post involves rape, BDSM, and my journey into masochism.

This post was hard to write. I’ve been working on it over a few days as it has affected my mood and sleep. It needs to be said though. No one should ever feel that rape is ok or is their fault. 

Have you ever been hurt sexually (physically, emotionally, mentally)? How do you think this impacts your sexual likes/dislikes, what you gravitate toward or what you shy away from, when it comes to sex?

I am a masochist. I crave pain, sometimes I need it to feel whole again. I wasn’t always this way though.

I discovered at 19 yrs old how to release my mental anguish. I had just broken up with my first boyfriend and was in a new city with a small handful of friends.

I became friends with a guy from work. It started off as hanging out at his house and drinking after work. Things naturally progressed and became intimate. He was older and a lot more experienced than I was. He told me many times if there was something I wanted to try to just tell him and it might happen or might not. He even made the comment that ‘if I needed to be spanked and fucked that he was the guy’. So we did just that.

We did many spanking sessions. Most of them turned me on. He enjoyed seeing and gripping my bright red ass when we had sex. I enjoyed the release during the spanking then the pleasure that always followed.

Impact play was my introduction to a different lifestyle. One that I knew little about, but really reaped the benefits of later in life.

After our relationship ended I dove headfirst into researching BDSM. I met a man through a chatroom and we clicked. We talked for a couple months and decided to meet up to see if our interests were still the same in person. He was the only man I would ever call Master.

We dated and had casual sex for about a month when he decided to “test” me. Sex with him was always rough, it was what I wanted. I wanted the spanking, hair pulling, biting and scratching, it cleared my head. The test was making me beg for it. I begged him to spank me, which he did with a paddle so I was very red and sore. I begged to please him orally and he let me. In return, he started to degrade me. I had never been called names before and it didn’t sit very well. I should have stopped then, but I didn’t know what I know now. Once he was satisfied, I begged for him to fuck me. He called me his slut, his whore, his useful fuck toy. Then told me if I wanted intercourse I had to call him Master.

We played like this for a few more months when he decided to share me without my consent. He told me he was inviting a couple guys over to play cards, but we could “play” beforehand. So me being naive fell for it.

I got to his apartment and he was there with his 2 male friends. He introduced me to them and walked to the door. Confused I turned to say something and he said, “have fun!” and left. One went over to the lock the door and the other grabbed me by the arm. I thought about fighting them off, but they were a lot bigger than me. They stripped me and tied me up on the bedroom door and abused me. Apparently he had told them about my love for pain. This wasn’t a play pain though, this was real life non-consenting abuse. After they grew tired of hitting me, they held me face down on the bed and raped me. I screamed and cried, as I had never had rough anal sex before. When they finished they left.

I didn’t file it or turn them in because at that time, I felt like it was my own fault. I trusted this man and he betrayed me, but I should have stopped seeing him after the degrading.

I stopped dating for awhile after this happened. When I did date and chose to have sex it was not rough, no spanking, just very basic.

I got married at 23 and only had sex when he begged and pleaded for days. I worked 2 jobs and went to school full-time so I was never in the mood. While being away for so many hours a day, I was accused of cheating over and over. Needless to say my marriage ended and I moved away.

I felt like I had a new start, so I began dating again. This time I was prepared. I knew what I liked and what I would never do again. I wanted to be spanked again. It was something I missed. Any anal foreplay or anal sex was off the table.

I did meet an amazing man who became my Dom. I told him of the rape and my limits. He treated me very well. I discovered a passion for many more things. He was very much an ass man though. He was into plugs and training and anal sex, if it was done correctly. I wanted to get past this limit. So I told him we could try. We went very slow when it came to plugs. He kept a very close tab on me when it came to play as well. I started to actually enjoy anal play. My love for pain returned as well. I received play spankings and maintenance spankings. Of course a few punishments ones as well. We added in nipple play and used clamps for many sessions.

To this day I still receive maintenance spankings. When I feel out of sorts, too needy, or just plain bitchy, they reset my focus. The fog clears. I feel calm and complete.

Through this experience I did learn that my one true hard limit is degradation and humiliation. My mental frame of mind just can’t handle it. It’s the one limit I will never relent on. Just as I will never call another man Master again.

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15 thoughts on “Hurt me like you mean it

  1. Your experiences—the good, the bad, and the worst case scenarios—have made you wise, powerful, and just. Your mark carries these traits, and reminds me of the path I’ve embarked upon. You’ve taken this violence, this violation of yourself, and turned it into a beacon of self-reliance.

    I am proud to sit at your feet, and to be your pet.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. ‘… when he decided to “test” me.’ My heart sank when I read this, I have never seen any good come from this mentality, and I am so sorry to see what he (and his ‘friends’) ended up putting you through. You’re so right when you say no should every think rape is okay or their fault, and I applaud you for sharing your experiences so that others can see that, especially if they’ve been through similar themselves. I am also really pleased to see that you have made your way to being able to enjoy your kinky interests again. Thank you for sharing x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much Floss. Hindsight is always 20/20. I have been through all the “I should have done this…” scenarios and it never helped me heal. Therapy did help me to understand that no matter how it happened I have to the power to let it go and move forward. I truly did want this piece to mean something to someone, especially that person still holding it in, blaming themselves.
      There will always be a bad egg in a community, no matter how tight knit it is. But there is also so much good and so many open and caring people. My previous Dom was a very wise man and he stood by me as I went through the roller coaster of emotions. He showed me that it is ok to feel and still love the kinks too. The most important thing he taught me was confidence, in myself. Self hatred and self loathing will never give you the happiness you desire. That is what I still carry with me, and yes I falter and still make mistakes, but it’s ok. We grow. We move forward. We love ourselves again.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is amazing, J. Lynn. Thank yiu for sharing, and I hope writing it was helpful for you. I can’t imagine having my trust broken so horribly. That moment must have been terrifying for you. And I am just so glad you have found a partner who treats you carefully and thoughtfully.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Brigit. Writing through these experiences truly has helped. In turn, I hope it helps someone else too. Knowing you are not alone to face these things is what got me through. I was and still am very blessed to have loving and supportive people in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. WOW. This was so open and raw- I really appreciate you sharing your experience like this. I am happy to hear you have found your way back to a more comfortable confident you who is enjoying again the kinky side of life! HUGS!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I have started to write a response several times. I can’t find the words to say what I want. I am angry for you. You have overcome that terrible situation and have grown as a person. That is great. However you should never have had a situation like that to overcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Michael. You are right, no one should ever have to overcome those situations. Unfortunately we live in a harsh world at times. I focused on the negative for too long and all it did was make me regret my life. I refuse to give it that kind of power.
      This post took a toll on me. Pet saw it and tried to help. He understands as he has been there too.
      That’s the caveat to all of this. I am but one of so many that hid, felt ashamed and at fault. All it takes is one person to stand up and say no! This is not how I will live my life. I won’t live in fear or blame. Maybe someone who is scared or still hiding will read this and see that good can still come out of it. Maybe it will give them the power they need to overcome it. That is all I can hope for.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This was difficult to read but I am so glad that you shared it. I am sorry that you had to endure something so awful and to have no support through it must have made it eve more traumatic. I am glad that you have found a way forward now and that you are slowly able to heal a bit. Thank you for sharing something so personal xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I can’t imagine going through what you did. My previous Owner and I played with CNC (consensual non-consent) but he would never have done something like that. When he brought others over it was always a) with my knowledge, and b) with him there to oversee. I shudder to imagine what you endured.

    Thank you for sharing your story – it had to be hard to do. I am sure, as you hope, that it will help someone else see that they can heal too.

    Liked by 1 person

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