Trigger Warning- this post involves rape, BDSM, and my journey into masochism.
This post was hard to write. I’ve been working on it over a few days as it has affected my mood and sleep. It needs to be said though. No one should ever feel that rape is ok or is their fault.
Have you ever been hurt sexually (physically, emotionally, mentally)? How do you think this impacts your sexual likes/dislikes, what you gravitate toward or what you shy away from, when it comes to sex?
I am a masochist. I crave pain, sometimes I need it to feel whole again. I wasn’t always this way though.
I discovered at 19 yrs old how to release my mental anguish. I had just broken up with my first boyfriend and was in a new city with a small handful of friends.
I became friends with a guy from work. It started off as hanging out at his house and drinking after work. Things naturally progressed and became intimate. He was older and a lot more experienced than I was. He told me many times if there was something I wanted to try to just tell him and it might happen or might not. He even made the comment that ‘if I needed to be spanked and fucked that he was the guy’. So we did just that.
We did many spanking sessions. Most of them turned me on. He enjoyed seeing and gripping my bright red ass when we had sex. I enjoyed the release during the spanking then the pleasure that always followed.
Impact play was my introduction to a different lifestyle. One that I knew little about, but really reaped the benefits of later in life.
After our relationship ended I dove headfirst into researching BDSM. I met a man through a chatroom and we clicked. We talked for a couple months and decided to meet up to see if our interests were still the same in person. He was the only man I would ever call Master.
We dated and had casual sex for about a month when he decided to “test” me. Sex with him was always rough, it was what I wanted. I wanted the spanking, hair pulling, biting and scratching, it cleared my head. The test was making me beg for it. I begged him to spank me, which he did with a paddle so I was very red and sore. I begged to please him orally and he let me. In return, he started to degrade me. I had never been called names before and it didn’t sit very well. I should have stopped then, but I didn’t know what I know now. Once he was satisfied, I begged for him to fuck me. He called me his slut, his whore, his useful fuck toy. Then told me if I wanted intercourse I had to call him Master.
We played like this for a few more months when he decided to share me without my consent. He told me he was inviting a couple guys over to play cards, but we could “play” beforehand. So me being naive fell for it.
I got to his apartment and he was there with his 2 male friends. He introduced me to them and walked to the door. Confused I turned to say something and he said, “have fun!” and left. One went over to the lock the door and the other grabbed me by the arm. I thought about fighting them off, but they were a lot bigger than me. They stripped me and tied me up on the bedroom door and abused me. Apparently he had told them about my love for pain. This wasn’t a play pain though, this was real life non-consenting abuse. After they grew tired of hitting me, they held me face down on the bed and raped me. I screamed and cried, as I had never had rough anal sex before. When they finished they left.
I didn’t file it or turn them in because at that time, I felt like it was my own fault. I trusted this man and he betrayed me, but I should have stopped seeing him after the degrading.
I stopped dating for awhile after this happened. When I did date and chose to have sex it was not rough, no spanking, just very basic.
I got married at 23 and only had sex when he begged and pleaded for days. I worked 2 jobs and went to school full-time so I was never in the mood. While being away for so many hours a day, I was accused of cheating over and over. Needless to say my marriage ended and I moved away.
I felt like I had a new start, so I began dating again. This time I was prepared. I knew what I liked and what I would never do again. I wanted to be spanked again. It was something I missed. Any anal foreplay or anal sex was off the table.
I did meet an amazing man who became my Dom. I told him of the rape and my limits. He treated me very well. I discovered a passion for many more things. He was very much an ass man though. He was into plugs and training and anal sex, if it was done correctly. I wanted to get past this limit. So I told him we could try. We went very slow when it came to plugs. He kept a very close tab on me when it came to play as well. I started to actually enjoy anal play. My love for pain returned as well. I received play spankings and maintenance spankings. Of course a few punishments ones as well. We added in nipple play and used clamps for many sessions.
To this day I still receive maintenance spankings. When I feel out of sorts, too needy, or just plain bitchy, they reset my focus. The fog clears. I feel calm and complete.
Through this experience I did learn that my one true hard limit is degradation and humiliation. My mental frame of mind just can’t handle it. It’s the one limit I will never relent on. Just as I will never call another man Master again.
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