Mind fuck

So here it is 11:44pm, my mind is calculating the -if I go to sleep now- game. This sucks.

I was having a good day, actually pretty great. I got to watch my kiddo take off on his mini dirt bike and ride on the pavement for the first time. I was so proud of how well he did.

It was a mellow but productive day. So why can’t I relax and sleep…

I’m going to a masquerade ball in April, so I’ve been on this hunt for a dress or costume. Masks and all. Most of what I want is on Amazon, but here’s the catch.. I despise, no actually hate buying clothes online. Actually I don’t like clothes shopping at all. So why I thought this would be a great idea is beyond me!

So I went through dress after dress, to corset and skirt, back to maybe a blouse. The problem is that I’m afraid that I will look horrible or worse yet it won’t fit. I finally decide on an outfit and show it to pet. He loves it, so why can’t I love it?

I can’t love it, because I don’t love myself enough to be secure in the fact I’m doing something that makes me so very uncomfortable.

I’ve been on a weight loss program since September. I’ve lost 30 lbs and I’m very happy with my progress so far. At least I thought I was. As I’m going through these outfits I’m double and triple guessing what size I need to order.

In creeps the doubt, then the anxiety. What if it doesn’t fit right? What if I look like a beached whale? Am I sure I got the right size? I don’t want to embarrass him. I’m sure he is always embarrassed to be out with me. He doesn’t want me. No one really wants to be with the fat girl. He’s just putting up with me because of our kid.

So needless to say I ordered one piece of the outfit. If it fits well then I’ll order the next piece. I’m trying so hard to be ok with this.

I talked to pet for awhile tonight. He always makes me feel loved, wanted, desired, attractive and most of all safe. He loves all my marks. Normally I’m the secure one with him. I know what I want to say and how I feel with him.

Tonight was different. My demon had a head start on me tonight. While pet and I talked, we discussed how we make each other feel. How different this was to any other relationship. We got into some of the physical aspects of each other and how it plays into our relationship.

Pet video chats with me especially while he is getting dressed or changing clothes. I love watching him. He is comfortable with himself. He made a comment on how he would love to watch me sometime. I froze. I’m not sure why, other than my insecurities kicking into high gear again.

He wants to watch me strip, he wants to see me nude. He tells me over and over that I’m beautiful and how attracted he is to me. So why can’t I let go and just believe him?!

The same reason I don’t go out much, that I overthink everything, that I worry I’m making the wrong choices, that I’m screwing up my kid.

My anxiety won tonight. I did something I hardly ever do, and haven’t done in many years with pet. I broke and cried. He let me too. Kept telling me to just let it out. He knows how much I hate crying. It makes me feel awful.

He asked what made me feel this way, so I explained my frustration with shopping. How I feel about myself, and how I feel so stupid that I’m letting this get to me. My son’s father never tells me I’m beautiful or sexy. I don’t feel wanted. The only thing I feel with him is safe.

I feel so raw right now. I let pet see me cry. I don’t cry in front of anyone. That’s what showers and loud music are for.

So now it 12:37am… if I go to sleep now I can get 5 hours of sleep…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s