Life in a D/s relationship isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it is really hard, and I mean really hard. There are days that I’m just “not in the mood”. I don’t want to dominate. I don’t want to be responsible for another person, as I am struggling to take care of myself. My moods go up and down and my temper flares.
This is me today… I’m struggling. I wear many hats on a day to day basis. First and foremost, I’m a mom. (Pet understands that he will never be the first priority and he wouldn’t have it any other way.) I work a full-time job and still have a house to keep up on. Also training a puppy who is essentially a mini horse! She is a sweetheart though. Then, of course, I have pet.
He is having a rough time of own. He is still learning the ropes. Adjusting to handing things over to me and keeping up with his part of the bargain. He is also working through his own mental anguish. Self- discovery, self degradation stemming from childhood abuse, and allowing himself to feel real happiness.
When we don’t get to connect much throughout the day we feel the pull. The downward spiral. We both fight our own insecurities, wondering if what we give to each other is enough.
Last night, a huge change happened for my wonderful pet. He got approved for his own apartment. This is a big step for him, as he has never lived alone before. I feel his anxiety. Wondering if he can do this on his own. So last night I listened while he opened up about his fears, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed. After he was through, I made a simple statement. “Get out of your head. Breathe.” He says, “Right, stop overthinking. It will all work out.”
I explained how we will take one step at a time. I will help him. I’ll be his cheerleader and help push him forward. I’ll do whatever is in my power to be sure he succeeds. However, I won’t do it all for him.
It’s funny how life is so different for each person. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve lived a lifetime in my short 36 years. I’ve met a wide variety of people, lived alone, married and divorced, raising a child, all the while knowing exactly who I was and what I wanted. Whereas my pet is just starting new. He has past experiences with many people, but never truly knew who he was.
This is what pulled me out of my own head. Writing this down. Feeling the emotions and just letting them wash over me. I feel calm again. I can be mom, employee, caregiver and Domme. I’m a strong-willed person and I have some amazing people in my life. I don’t want to disappoint them. Most importantly, I don’t want to disappoint myself.