Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now

Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

Wish that I could slow things down

I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy

Thinking everything’s about me

Yeah, I drive myself crazy

‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on

Why is everything so heavy?

Holding on

So much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down

If I just let go, I’d be set free

Holding on

Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid

But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me

It’s not like I make the choice

To let my mind stay so fucking messy

I know I’m not the center of the universe

But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I know I’m not the center of the universe

But you keep spinning ’round me just the same  – Linkin Park

This blog is not only to document my lifestyle choices, but for me to let out all of the things that make me feel like I’m going crazy. Maybe I am?

Last night was a big blow to my ego. I’ve been riding this high feeling for a few weeks and all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under me.

I am a mom, like so many other women out there, I feel like I have to be everything to everyone. I work a full-time job, but I work at home. I remote in everyday and punch a clock just like so many others. It is the end of my work day and my son asked to watch a show on Netflix. He has the kids tab and knows that is what he is supposed to watch. Low and behold he selects my tab and starts watching… Orange is the new Black. Now I have no idea as I’m on the phone with a coworker and trying to finish my day. In comes his dad, I hear the back and forth with him and my son, but again I am STILL working so I let it blow over.

My work day ends and I go downstairs to pack up a few boxes to send out for Christmas. I fight with the packing tape that my son has so lovingly destroyed. His dad comes downstairs, sees me struggling with this infuriating tape and poof! It’s fixed. I make a joke at my own expense and he chooses this moment to tell me what show our son was watching. So now I feel about 2 inches tall. “I’m the worst mom ever” syndrome sets in.

So let’s check this off shall we; working and not effectively managing my son and the television; can’t fix the clear packing tape that has been pulled apart in strings; and to throw on the icing to this pity cake- I can’t go with them to Boston for Christmas because guess who is working to cover someone else’s shift! So I’m missing moments of pure innocent joy on my son’s face for a fucking job.

That was my moment, I broke. I fought back the tears as hard as I could, but they forced themselves out. All the small inane little things turned me into a blubbering mess. I’m not a crier. I despise crying. It makes me feel weak. Not to mention the destroyed contacts, the swollen eyes, and the exhaustion that inevitably follows. Now I know that it just isn’t true, but I’ve always been “the bottler”. Don’t feel any emotion, just push it down and put on the mask. Not many have broken through my exterior, but having my son changed quite a bit of that. I’m a lot less guarded than I used to be, which makes me less effective at the bottling.

So last night proved I am human, I am going to make mistakes, I am not ever going to be that Stepford wife, and most importantly just let yourself cry. It may be ugly, but it is at least a good release.

2 thoughts on “Heavy

  1. Hi Jlynn:
    Welcome to the human race. You are an awesome mother, don’t forget that. I don’t understand why you are upset that your son saw a little of an episode of orange is the new black. Its not porn..
    Its tough being a wife, a mother, an employee, you are doing wonderful. I can tell because you are wrapping Christmas presents and making the decision to make a few extra dollars or helping a friend regarding the shift you will pick up.
    We have so much pressure on us these days, fill yourself with some Love, get a cup of tea or eggnog or what ever, relax for a while to clear your head and know you are so valuable to your friends and family, you are special and Awesome.
    D

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi D,
      Thank you for the uplifting response. We are always our harshest critics. It wasn’t the show itself that bothered me as much. We have always taught our son to be body positive and understand that nudity is natural. It was simply that I wasn’t monitoring what he was watching due to being pulled in another direction as we often are. He really didn’t understand why he couldn’t watch it. It would have been a simple discussion with him had I been told when it happened. His father chose to tell me after I was already frustrated with the tape, so it felt like a dig towards me as a parent.
      Honestly, now that I think back on it, I’m sure my reaction was an overreaction. I do the best I can for those I care about and at the end of the day that is all that matters.

      Liked by 1 person

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