“Why can’t you make up your mind?” – The experiences of a Switch

So I’ve been through the beginning and ending of many groups in the book of many faces. I’ve met some of the most amazing people in these groups as well. Whenever I join a group I seem to get asked the same question…

 “Why can’t you just make up your mind?” Yes, I’m still being asked this. It wasn’t that long ago that being a Switch was seen in the same light as being bisexual in the LGBTQ community. So being asked this question isn’t really too far fetched.

What many don’t understand is that I have made up my mind. Knowing how I identify in my relationships is very cathartic. For me, it is solely based on my connection and chemistry with the person, which determines the role that I take. I can’t go back and forth within the same relationship. Some have mastered this skill with ease, but that will never be me. I’ve attempted to switch roles in a dynamic before and it just felt wrong. It made me so uncomfortable that I couldn’t focus on any task at hand. Maybe it is just me and my own hang-ups with attention to detail. 

Take my current relationship, I am a Domme to a male submissive. He is not a switch, deep down he knows he has always been submissive and a bottom. It is not in his nature to dominate anything or anyone. However, he will role play with me within our dynamic. I cannot go into submissive state with him as it just doesn’t feel natural. I can ask him if I can orgasm, if we are in a scene, and I’ve told him to take charge. Again, just a role play not a true change in the dynamic. He is only following the direction I’m giving as it is pleasing me. 

My previous relationship I was a submissive. There was not a submissive bone in that man’s body! I didn’t want to be in any other mindset at that time either. I followed rules and took direction as any submissive would. I even got as far as discovering that I am a “little” with him. I called him Daddy and I was his princess. He is still very special to me as he is the only Dominant that this felt natural with. 

I’ve also been asked how I knew I was a Switch. I usually break it down in the form of two halves make a whole. When I began my journey I thought I was whole. Every fiber of my being wanted to submit. At least that is what I told myself. I wanted it to be true. The first couple of relationships were a test phase. What did I need, want, like, dislike? They were great learning experiences. By the time my third Dom came around he picked up on it almost immediately. I recall him using my most favorite expression, “Honey, you can’t submit in a vacuum.” Basically telling me that if there are other influences affecting me, that my submission won’t make me whole. He was much older than me, and was considered “traditional” or “old school”. He didn’t release me as I had expected at that point. He did encourage me to start doing some self-reflecting and research. The self- reflection showed me the other half to my whole. I wanted to be in control. Being inexperienced in this area I assumed that meant I had to be a sadist as well. The thought honestly scared me. I believe Serius Black said it in Harry Potter, “We’ve all got light and dark in us. What matters is the part we chose to act on.” I felt that by wanting to inflict the pain was too dark for me. Why can’t I be a Domme who enjoys pain? There is no rule book that says I have to be a sadist to be a Domme. This is also where my Dom and I parted ways. He had no desire to be my guinea pig.

Through more research and meeting more like-minded individuals, I concluded that I needed this other half of me. Embracing both sides has finally brought me peace. I don’t feel the urge to fight against it, nor do I want to. 

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